For as long as I can remember, I’ve been looking for something that I couldn’t even name. I thought it was love, then maybe happiness, then self-forgiveness or acceptance or something I didn’t have. Then one day last week, I actually found it and it changed my whole world. Here’s what happened.
I’ve taken most of the classes CSLT offers at least once, many of them twice, and am currently in Meditation class for the second time. Right teacher, right classmates, right me – it’s been so very good. At the end of every class we hold hands in a circle and declare what we are willing to have more of in our lives. I’ve usually stated the ‘usual suspects’ – you know, love, joy, prosperity, peace. But two weeks ago, the words, ‘self-love’ popped out of my mouth from who-knows-where. I felt a little weird and even selfish about it at the time but I let it be because it kinda hadn’t been my idea, you know? (Right… remember God through me/as me?)
A couple days later during meditation I had an image that felt so good and was so beautiful – I was in front of a roaring fireplace in a huge, stony room of a castle – it was dark except for the fire and I was alone except for a couple of cats lounging on the hearth rug. It felt as though everything would be perfect as soon as…. as soon as what? When I came out of the meditation, I realized I’ve been waiting for something my whole life, pushing away love, joy, peace of mind until… when? I realized I’ve been waiting for my foot to get better so I can walk again and enjoy the outdoors, waiting for my favorite aunt to transition so I can grieve and get on with life, waiting to meet my perfect someone so I don’t feel alone anymore, waiting for my body to get in better shape so I feel healthier, etc. etc. ad nauseum. Life suspended. MY CHOICE. Wow. This was a pretty big AHA, but God through me/as me wasn’t done yet…
Later that same day I was surfing through Facebook posts and a wonderful woman who had been my practitioner at Center for Spiritual Living Seattle shared something that felt like the answer to every prayer I’d ever had, which it was, really… and a manifestation of my declaration after Meditation class of being willing to accept more self-love. After much therapy, AA, self-help books and classes, I had been unable to stop punishing myself for my past, but I hadn’t given up on the possibility that maybe one day, somehow, I could step into my life in the Big Way that I intuited was possible. And then I read this, and crumpled into a soft, sweet, tear-soaked puddle of self-forgiveness, self-love, gratitude and relief.
I don’t know who wrote it, but it was posted by Empaths, Old Souls & Introverts. Here it is, my Big Magic:
‘Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.’
And the walls came-a-tumbling-down and I was free. I mean it, FREE. I re-wrote it using ‘I’ language and put it on my refrigerator. Finding myself filled with love for pretty much everything, things began to shift as I now feel worthy of living my life, because it really is okay to be here. And right away it became clear that regardless of the paperwork hassle, I have some more old skin to shed; my last name which was an ex’s name and it no longer serves me in a positive way. I’m quite excited!
One last thing from Jen Sincero’s book, You Are a Badass:
‘To shy away from who you truly are would leave the world you-less.
You are the only you there is and ever will be.
Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.’
Now let’s do this life!