It’s All Me, Really…

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” 
― Leonard CohenSelected Poems, 1956-1968

As we neared the Winter Solstice, in this month of endings and new beginnings and, as if to mirror the path of the sun, my world burst wide open flooding with a sudden brilliant light. What seemed like a sudden and unexpected but long-yearned for opening, followed months, maybe a year or more even, of feeling downright halted in my tracks. My way forward felt blocked, the path to the expansion I yearned for had seemed dead-ended.  I felt an urgent need to move myself forward but I couldn’t see the way. I told myself “I’m just not good at change. Change is hard for me. I just can’t see what’s next as easily as others.”

I knew I was done with being ‘here’ but I didn’t know the way to ‘there’ or what I wanted ‘there’ to be like. The vision for the path forward just wouldn’t form for me. My life had seemed to be at a stand still, forever grinding in place, gear on gear without movement or any ‘grease’ so to speak.  The ‘a-ha moment’ came in the form of what felt like ‘grease’. The vise grip that cramped my mind suddenly felt blissfully looser. I could finally move my chess piece, and in any number of directions. There was no need to wait in indecision before moving forward or to stay locked in the ‘checkmate’ or game-over position. I could see that the game was not over after all.

I suddenly saw all kinds of moves I could make and a sense of freedom and big relief flooded me. Fear mysteriously dissipated. For months, my biggest fear was that I couldn’t move my pieces, that I could not and would not EVER see how to move them.  I now saw that I could create support in the areas of my work which had seemed joyless and which I allowed to cause suffering for me. I saw that I could look and see all the other places in my life that lacked joy and that I can make shifts. I can trust myself to make the changes I can see I can make and once there, I can trust that I will see the next steps I can take.

I asked Reverend Donald for insight. What happened? Was this divine timing? Why now? He said I had finally “LET IT” and went on to explain that nothing outside of me had occurred. He explained that ‘letting’ is not something you ‘make’ happen. That sounded logical since letting and making seem to be polar opposites. I could see that. But why had I finally “LET IT” happen now when I had wanted this shift for so long?

I thought well, it must have been ‘Divine Timing” but that sounds like a force outside of me which Rev. D clearly stated was not the case. There is no ‘Divine’ controlling the puppet strings– it’s all me. So…. I feel blessed for this renewal of faith and trust, for this seemingly mysterious opening, which I’m told is not mysterious, after all, I let it. I continue to grow in understanding concerning the concept that I live as God, God lives as me and it’s all me… really.

by Holly Baker

When you get to the end of all the light you know and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”  – Edward Teller

1 4 5 6