The Chameleon’s Visioning
The first challenge I had in finding a therapist with whom I could work was simple: I must not be able to “con her.”
Most are familiar with personality graphs: usually a quadrant chart with different “types” in each quadrant, The further away from the cross in the middle, the more prevalent that square’s behavior pattern: extrovert, introvert, analytical, emotional. My entire life was lived at the cross hair. As close to the exact center as is possible, which translates into no distinctive personality trait – totally chameleonesque. Whatever was needed – there I was.
Now, I did this with intelligence (thanks Mom and Dad), and with a certain amount of style and standards. BUT it was almost always based on what I assumed, or was told directly, that my behavior should be. My Father in particular had a precise vision for/of me, and lots of control over what I did. He chose a college other than where I wanted to go. Then when I had settled in and become happy, he decided I needed to transfer to a larger State University. And, so there I went.
There was some rebellion along the way. Some was covert – though I still regret the math classes I didn’t take to spite him: and some were overt: married a boy/man he hated. The usual stuff.
Luckily, I had enough time with him on this plane to realize his attempts to control and the forced choices were due to his amazing love and concern for me. The fact that his choices frequently didn’t work for me was simply because I was not the daughter they had requested. No ribbons and bows for this one. Puh-leese. That took a while to work out on all our parts.
Which brings me to now, and my participation in the CSLT Visioning Class. Any idea how hard it is for a chameleon to decide on what color she personally wants to be today? And let’s not even think about accepting, claiming the way I personally want to be creatively, or socially, or even how to decorate my very own house. I am actually supposed to open my mind and get my personal concept special delivery to me from the One Mind about my individual self. It was so much easier when a boss, a friend, a parent or society issued instructions.
Reading Dr. Holmes, listening to weekly reminders, attending classes and meditating daily, I know the time is NOW. And, now I have the tools to accomplish that personal change and growth. It is hard work but frequently joyous. It must be done every day.
I understand that all my past chameleon’s attempts to be socially or corporately accepted just delayed my becoming the unique expression of Spirit that each of us truly is. The most important idea for me – being unique. My gifts are my own, and I am becoming jealous of them. (In a good way!) I want nothing so much as to deliver the truth of my special gifts from and to the Universe. My goal now is not to meet other people’s expectations (based on my own frequently incorrect assumptions), not to help others with their goals or plans – but to deliver my unique self.
This doesn’t mean I don’t love others, that I don’t respect their ideas and goals. In fact, for me, it is quite the opposite. I can now help out and contribute, knowing it is not for others,but just me doing my very own thing. Accepting, claiming that the time is NOW for me to be the singular expression of my one true self.
— Mariann Moery
…. Coming to one’s self, coming to awareness, coming to understand why and how we started on the wrong path emotionally, explaining this to the self — this is what is meant by self-awareness. … But self-awareness alone is not enough, for this reason: there is an incessant urge back of everything to create, to express life, to come to the gratification of happiness, peace, joy and self-expression. Self-awareness is not enough. It is merely clearing the track for right action. — Ernest Holmes: Living The Science of Mind 429.2&3