Releasing Myself From My History
With two drunk driving arrests by the time I was 18 in 1976, I was in a bad space. Although drinking, drugs and partying are often teen-age activities, my emotional state of desperation made alcohol a dangerous substance for me. Drinking to black-out began with the 2ndtime I used alcohol. I was a time bomb exploding. Going through treatment and a halfway house that year introduced me to recovery through a 12-step program, which I still practice today.
Getting clean, however, did not relieve me of the desperation. It did start me on the path to finding the Science of Mind for which I am most grateful. For me, practicing the 12-steps involves developing a spiritual practice. My practice involves action, giving back, meditation and journaling.
The action I follow is attending 3-4 12-step meetings each week and attending the CSLT service on Sundays. I give back to the programs that nurture me spiritually. I sit on the CSLT board, host one Sunday/month and have 2 regular commitments in my 12-step program. Meditation, as I practice it now, is a twice-daily (usually) mantra meditation of 20 minutes. I use a mantra I received when I attended TM (transcendental meditation) classes in the halfway house back in 1977. I took the classes and was instructed in the discipline but felt that it was cult like and did not continue. When I investigated again at age 58 after talking to a friend that practiced TM, I found out that once you go through the training (and pay the fee), you receive lifetime support. I have been a daily meditator since June 10, 2016, using the Insight app that Shelly Dunn introduced me to. And I write a daily Spiritual Mind Treatment.
But what of the desperation? The sticky tar from which I sometimes think I will never escape. I see it as the La Brea Tar Pits pulling me down as I struggle against it. When I am engaged throughout my day, I am less aware of it, but when I pause, I feel it. What the heck! If I perform all these regular, helpful and healthy activities, why aren’t I walking on air and feeling connected to the Divine all the time? I mean, c’mon, I even listen to CSL podcasts when I drive instead of the news.
The Science of Mind taught me that the Divine manifests me. The connection I feel AS the Divine serves as the antidote to my desperation. Learning that the Divine expresses as me, breathes me, sings me, acts for me as It acts through me changes the way I feel. As I write this, as I type the words, I feel the shift.
I attended my 1st CSLT Sunday service in 2014. Shortly after, I began the Prosperity Plus II class. I pulled my husband into the class and now we both attend. The Sunday reminders, the classes, especially the certificated classes, the book studies, the movies and happily spending time with fellow members contribute to my sense of connection. I also work with a therapist to help process stuck emotions through a process of EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing).
Daily I work on cultivating my awareness of the connection. My life has blossomed since I discovered CSLT and particularly since I began meditating daily. So often, I would perform my daily ritual feeling guilty that I was taking time away from work. The story I told myself was that I was a privileged, selfish, needy woman. Now I know that I flourish because solidifying my sense of myself as the Divine, is my priority. Yay me!
–Marya Wheeler