Category: grief

Celebrating the Ancestors

Samhain, Halloween, All Saints Day, Día de los Muertos – it is the season when it is believed the veil between the living and the dead becomes thin. It is a time to celebrate and remember those who have come before, the good and the not so good, all of those who have contributed to who we are today.

I first became personally aware of Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) when I moved to Bakersfield. Every year there was a celebration with food and music, shopping, and my favorite, ofrendas, the family altars remembering those who have passed. As a gringa I wondered if I could fully participate in what has become, for me, a blessed celebration. Worried about being politically correct, and sensitivities to cultural appropriation, I thought about how I celebrate my ancestors. First, a brief history of the holiday.

Indigenous people everywhere had and continue to have rituals honoring their ancestors. Samhain is a pagan festival that is centuries old and is still celebrated by Wiccans and Pagans around the world. As Christianity moved around the world, Samhain was appropriated as All Saints Day, celebrating the Catholic Saints. All Hallows Eve became Halloween (with its own origin story). When the Conquistadors arrived in the Americas they brought their Christian celebrations with them, overlaying All Saints Day on a centuries old Aztec ritual and celebration. This, over time, became Día de los Muertos celebrated through much of South America.

At the heart of the Día de los Muertos celebration is the ofrenda. On Saturday, I attended a workshop at a local Pagan/Metaphysical store on “How to build an ancestor altar.” They suggested several points on why it is important to honor our ancestors. First, creating an altar helps us build spiritual connection with those who have come before. Next, it is a beautiful way of honoring and preserving our cultural traditions of how we celebrate our loved ones who have passed. Creating an altar helps us to heal and have closure with those who have left with unfinished business. Our ancestors provide blessings and protection. Finally, they say honoring our ancestors helps to create balance and harmony between the living and the dead.

So this year, rather than carving pumpkins, I am creating my own ofrenda. I started with finding a space that I can dedicate for the week. I selected a cloth to ground the space and am gathering photos and mementos of those I wish to honor. I’ve already pulled a beautiful picture out of a photo album of my father and his father, my grandpa, that I am now looking at. It fills my heart with joy to see these two men together in my home.

From Ernest Holmes: “According to Unity of Mind, thought is everywhere present, and so long as it persists it will remain present. Time, space, and obstructions are unknown to Mind and thought. …If we persist after the body shall have suffered physical death (and we are convinced that we shall) this law must still hold good, for past and present are one and the same in Mind.” The Science Of Mind 352.

I invite you to set aside some time this week to thank your ancestors. We wouldn’t be here without them.

–Sharon Whealy, RScP

A Love Story

Valentine’s Day was yesterday, a holiday celebrating love. I want to relate to you a Love story that is still unfolding even though my friend Bob’s wife Sue made her transition last month.

Bob called me about a month ago to say, “I lost Sue.” He told me that for the past several months she had been suffering more physically and emotionally. Her pain was increasing and her breathing capacity was decreasing. She told John she didn’t like being a burden to him. He replied, “A burden is a weight someone puts on you, a load is something a person picks up himself. You are not a burden, you are “my” load.” Never complaining about the slack he picked up for her, he was always looking for ways to express his love for her and brighten her day.

Having witnessed her mother spend her final days in a hospital, Sue swore she would not endure that herself. They had discussed getting medical support, but Sue refused. She always did have a strong connection to the Divine. Maybe she knew her physical presence on earth was coming to an end. She told Bob she was going to live her life as she was guided and if that meant it would be a shorter life, she was at peace with that. Out of his love for her, John reluctantly said he could live with that. A few days later Bob found Sue’s unconscious body on the floor of their home. He had given her permission to go on her terms and she did.

A few days after that initial phone call, Bob contacted me again. “Remember when I said to you that I had ‘lost’ Sue? I haven’t! She’s not physically beside me, but her Love and Spirit are. As I was sitting in our home, I heard Sue’s voice say ‘I’m not gone. I’ll always be with you.’ I looked around our home and saw her everywhere – in the books she loved, the treasures she brought home from travels, in the wonderful memories we made, in my heart. A sense of peace came over me.”

After that conversation, I found this and passed it on to Bob. “We may reach…inner calm when we become totally in tune with the Infinite, when we come to a place within of knowing that we are at all times at one with the Infinite expression of Love. No matter what we experience at any given moment, we have the freedom of choice to be at peace, serene, calm in Love.” Rev. Dr. Marilyn Louise Leo (Jan 2023 SOM Magazine p.50) This is exactly how I witness Bob carrying on.

As Bob is going through his days now, he continues to talk to and ask for advice from Sue. Now, without her physical limitations, she can accompany him on walks through the desert and other adventures, experiencing through his eyes. When he needs direction, he puts the question out there and remains open. The answer always comes, and he knows it is inspired by Sue, by Love, as she is one with Spirit. He doesn’t know what direction his life is going to take, but he is living it from Inspiration, from his connection to the Infinite expression of eternal Love.

That I call a true, everlasting Love story.

–Janet Salese

Tucson’s All Souls Procession

If you are new to Tucson, you may be wondering what’s up with all the skulls and skeletons (many brightly decorated) still around town. Did people forget to take down their Halloween decorations? And why are so many still constructing skeletal costumes? The calaveras (sugar skulls) and calacas (skeletons) are traditional symbols of the Mexican celebration of Día de los Muertos or Day of the Dead. They represent loved ones who have passed on. They are also heavily represented in Tucson’s All Souls Procession.

Grieving the loss of her father, Susan Johnson sought a way to gather with others in a similar situation to “remember together”. In 1990, she and several of her artist friends got together and the first All Souls Procession made its way through downtown Tucson. Starting with a few hundred that first year, the celebration has drawn over 150,000 participants and spectators in years past.

I have been part of this crowd several times, particularly in years when I had lost a loved one. While I have not walked the parade route, I have painted my face and included symbols to represent those whose lives I was remembering. I have laughed and cried while watching the individuals and groups march down the street. It has been very moving and cathartic to know that I was certainly not alone in my process.

The most significant part of the procession each time I have participated has been the Burning of the Urn. A very large steel urn leads the procession. Throughout the parade, attendants will distribute and collect strips of paper on which you can write a prayer or message to your deceased loved one. At the finale, the urn is set on fire. Watching the energy of the messages turn into fuel for the fire has always brought a great sense of release for me.

This year’s procession will begin at 6pm on Sunday, November 7. Visit their website for more info All Souls Procession – Remembering together. If you are not able to attend in person, you can participate virtually through a livestream All Souls Procession 2021 Livestream – All Souls Procession. You can submit your message to be included in the urn through their website Restoration of Care and Burning of The Urn Ceremony – All Souls Procession. You can watch previous years’ processions Videos – All Souls Procession.

–Janet Salese

Reflections

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“Seeing into darkness is clarity.
Knowing how to yield is strength.
Use your own light and return to the source of that light.
This is called practicing eternity.”
— Lao Tzu

I have known for some weeks that I have felt inspired to write about death, a topic most of us, including me, have been socially conditioned not to talk about. I have known seven people who have died in the last year and a half and it has caused me to contemplate the value of life, and my own demise. I fully realize I am closer to getting off the planet than I am to entering it. I will be 80 next month.

I have had the opportunity to be with those who are dying and it has been a privilege as well as a sadness to lose those I have so loved, one of them being my only sister. I have discovered that when I am afraid of something (like death), I need to come as close to it as I comfortably can, and just sit with it. I benefit from paying attention to my reactivity and resistance, seeing where my boundaries and limitations are, noting the quality of my fear, and eventually seeing it all as a process that comes from my own identification and conditioning, as well as a natural processes, and part of life as we understand it.

My losses of family and friends have been natural, inevitable, and sad, experiences. I can also say that being with the dying has been very tender, rich, and rewarding for my heart and soul. I hope I have grown more compassionate as a result. I am grateful for those who have passed through my life and those who still remain as my teachers.

I know that there will be other loving human beings who have significance to, and for, me because I realize we are all in this together, parallel souls on a parallel journey of finding the meaning of our own lives and eventually releasing that meaning in order to surrender to the One Eternal Life, which I now experience and will continue to experience. From my soul’s point of view, I have discovered in accepting death, I have been blessed and will continue to be blessed by the mystery of life and death, all part of the same magnificent continuing gift.

—Namaste, Janie

… If You Knew You Could Not Fail

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Like everybody else who takes a turn at writing for the newsletter, sometimes I find myself at a serious loss for ideas. After last week’s newsletter went ‘live’, I looked to see who would be writing the lead article, and was a bit dismayed that it was my turn. So I started looking for patterns in my life, seeking something that might form that thread of continuity that would be useful to explore and write about.

Mentally, I’ve been all over the map this week. This morning, I read a bbc.com article about a life hack ostensibly to help with divided attention aptly called GYLIO (get your life in order). What made this of potential use to me was not the implication that I was going to stop everything and reorganize my life completely before I attempted anything (like the name implies), but simply that I could start taking a few well-defined steps to get a handle on what needs doing, and then just start somewhere. Anywhere. I realized I generally, mostly, do this fairly well. That was a relief, and that relief made space for progress to occur.

My car got sideswiped last Monday while I was driving on 22nd Street. No one was hurt, and both of us drove away from the accident site. The damage to my car is impressive looking, crumpled metal usually is, and the damage appears to be primarily cosmetic. The dude who hit me was very apologetic and took total responsibility for the accident. His insurance covers the repairs, and the loaner car. It has been sorting itself out in the most amazing manner. When I got to the rental car place, I asked for a small car for the duration of the repair. What they had, and offered me, was a Nissan Frontier, which feels like it is the size of my townhouse, and drives like a big truck.

I noticed pretty quickly how readily I adapted to driving a relatively large truck. I haven’t driven a large vehicle in a very long time. It has a turn radius of a tank, and I feel like I can see the road construction all the way to Phoenix! Yet it didn’t take long before it felt familiar, almost like it had become second nature. That got me thinking about how we move in our consciousness in the direction of our dreams.

The Foundations class is entering the 5th week now, and the students are getting serious about writing affirmative prayers that work. Part of what makes prayers work is the writer has to get into the mindset that this idea represented by the affirmative prayer is conceivable and plausible, they can imagine it could actually happen and become manifest (technical term for ‘show up’ or ‘become experience-able’) in the physical world. When we act as though something has become true, the universe conspires to support us in that experience.

It doesn’t matter whether what we are claiming is positive or negative. We claim the event or experience and the Divine Mind (in which we live, move and have our being) says “Yes, my Beloved”. There are times we wish it said, “Really? Are you sure? Is that your final answer?” But that’s not Its nature. It says, “Yes”. We choose. It delivers. Again, and again, and again.

So I apply this to the question I began with today. “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?” The Universe, with all its legions of helpers (seen and unseen), is standing by… awaiting your clear instruction. (And mine.)

— Rev Janis Farmer

Family Thanksgiving

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I feel connected and complete. Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I spent time with my aunt and two cousins whom I have not seen in over 40 years. And I saw my brother and sister. The occasion was attending the memorial for my uncle who transitioned in September. Uncle Proctor and Aunt Patsy lived in Wilmington, Ohio. This is roughly one hour north of Cincinnati which is on the border of Kentucky. The Cincinnati, CVG, airport is in Hebron, Kentucky.

Awakening at 1:30am on Thanksgiving morning to catch the 2:15am shuttle to Phoenix for the 6am flight was the start of my weekend adventure. When I made the reservations in October, I puzzled over the expensive airfare into CVG. I found cheaper flights on the Thursday before December 1, not realizing until two weeks later that it was Thanksgiving Day. The airports were not busy, and I had no problems with the flight, the car rental or the drive to the nursing home where I joined my cousins Sue and Nan, Aunt Patsy and Susan’s son, Matt, for a takeout Thanksgiving dinner. We ate in a small apartment that the nursing home provided for visiting family members. No microwave so the food was not hot, but it was yummy. I shared how my diet had changed after being vegan for 4½ years.

Sue, Nan and I shared primarily about our current life situations and what concerns we have regarding our adult children and aging mothers. Our mothers are both 88 and have dementia. Susan has been a widow for 17 years and is currently dealing with breast cancer which has metastasized to her bones although it is still breast cancer. She is on chemotherapy for two weeks and then off for one week. On the Wednesday before I traveled, I got my hair cut and my hairdresser gave me Shirley Temple ringlets. I was wearing my glasses on Thanksgiving and explained to everyone that this was not what I looked like. The next day when I wore my contacts and had fixed my hair and Susan spent time with me without her wig, we agreed that we were now our real selves.

Our mothers were best friends in high school. That is how my mom met my dad. Susan is 3 months older than me so they were pregnant at the same time with us. Aunt Patsy was especially close to my father, Jack. Their birth mother died when my dad was 6 and Aunt Patsy was 3. Sue and Nan gave us a set of old pictures which included pictures of our parents and Uncle Bill’s birth mother, Gertrude. She bares a striking resemblance to my older daughter, Nicole.

My brother, John flew in from Vermont on Saturday and within a short time we picked up our sister Maggie who flew in from Wisconsin. They both have children who are 12 and/or 13 and were relishing traveling solo. At dinner on Saturday night the cousins and Matt (sans Aunt Patsy) all shared about the relationships we had with our parents and about the times we remembered spending time together. My siblings and I shared about the pain we experienced as a result of our mother’s mental illness and her brutality. In the early 80’s our father came out to us as gay. His absence during our childhood had contributed to the sense of abandonment the three of us shared and dealt with us as adults. It was a bonding experience and I am grateful for it.

The next day was Sunday and the memorial. It was at Wilmington College, the Quaker college where my uncle taught Mathematics and MIS for many years. Music played and Sue, Matt and Nan shared about my uncle. He was one of five professors that were very good friends and whose families grew up together. Three children of these professors shared about growing up being a part of group and how welcome they had always felt at the Deans. People had come from out of town to attend the memorial including the adult children that shared. It was a lovely event. Aunt Patsy told Nan that she understood that the memorial was for Proctor and that she misses him. She told me that too and I agreed that I miss him and miss my father, Jack.

Spending time with Maggie and John was great fun. We shared a hotel room and lay in bed Saturday night laughing and talking about our children. We each have three and relate that to being one of three. Monday morning the adventure continued as I arose at 3:30am to travel back home to become immediately engulfed in my work life.

The surreal experience of re-establishing family ties comforted me at a basic level. I have texted with Matt and know that our connection will include more phone calls and visits. This feels especially important considering our aging parents and Susan’s illness. I appreciate the opportunity to process this through writing this newsletter article. Thank you, for allowing me to share this with you.

— Marya Wheeler

Choosing Positive (Yes, I know that’s grammatically incorrect)

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“There is nothing good or bad in the world, but thinking makes it so.”
(William Shakespeare Hamlet Act II scene II)

I have stopped being surprised at the synchronicity between what I decide to do and how the world shows up to support my decision. I had decided on the topic of this article Saturday, and smiled as I realized the substance of Rev. Janis’ talk this week was the same. All things do, indeed, work together.

I have a saying taped up in my kitchen that I read several times a day. I displayed it in my classroom over 20 years ago, and have long forgotten where or when I first encountered it. It resonates each time I read it, staying fresh and vital in my mind because I know the truth of it:

LIFE IS NOT WHAT IT IS “SUPPOSED TO BE.” IT IS WHAT IT IS.
THE WAY WE CHOOSE DEAL WITH IT IS WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE.”

One important lesson we have all had the opportunity to learn (if we are older than 12) is the harder the situation, the more valuable it becomes as we figure out what we have learned from it. My family moved from Arizona to Texas when I was in the tenth grade. I had never had to make friends before because I was raised in the area where my parents and grandparents were born and had lived since they were children. I made myself (and my parents) miserable for a year while I decided how to navigate the newness of living in Texas. I have never forgotten that time in my life, and later as I went to college, married a man whose job required us to move every four years, and then, later, as a widow moving to Tucson on my own, I knew I could make friends and where I had to go to find them.

I laughed often when Rev. Donald shared the analogy of the young child who opened a door and found piles of horse manure piled everywhere. The child exclaims, “Yahoo!! I know there must be a pony in here somewhere!!”

Like everyone else, I have navigated many life struggles: the suicide of my young brother-in-law; the death of my parents; the long illness and death of my husband, John; the sudden illness and abrupt death of my husband, Phil, have each forged an understanding in me of what is truly important. Grieving is hard work, and as I have gotten through that process so many times, I have very little energy or will to get upset over things that really do not matter in the long run.

I know we experience the world through the filters we create based on our belief about the world. Years ago I had a student say to me, “This world is so F–ed.” I said, “My world isn’t.” She really heard that, began to change her attitude about her world and as a result changed her life. She got sober, studied hard and earned a Ph.D in molecular biology. Today she is a teaching professor at a medical school in Colorado.

People with positive attitudes experience their world in a positive way, and the opposite is true. The Universe supports whatever we believe about the world and our place in it without bias or judgment.

Someone recently said to me, “You lead such a charmed life.” I thought about that and realized I change that statement (in my mind) to “I create such a charmed life” because I act on my belief that the world is, indeed, a positive place.

–Pat Masters

On Grieving

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I lost both my brother in law and my only sister within 60 days of each other. I was present for both of their deaths. It has pretty much devastated me, so I have been thinking a lot about death and the grieving that follows. These are two subjects that are generally avoided in western culture.

One of the things about grieving is that it is exhausting. At first I seem to have had too much energy, so much so that I am unable to sleep all night, followed by oscillating waves of high energy and weariness. I find my balance of rest and activity isn’t working very well.

One of the reasons the death of someone close so profoundly shaking for me is that it holds up a mirror to me that says “This happens to you, too”. Sometimes it seems a welcome prospect to join my loved ones, especially when my aversion to life without them is great.

What I realize is that my whole system has sustained this major loss, and it will take some time for my psyche and body to adjust to the new alignments that await me. Perhaps only when I can rest in knowing that their passing was in perfect order in the Universe, that healing will eventually take place. The best memorial I can give to them is to live my own life fully, one day at a time.

Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity; it is the price we pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. And live life to the fullest we are capable at each moment.

Ernest Holmes on grief and loss (The Science of Mind 387.3 – 388.1)

It is human to grieve the loss of dear ones. We love them and cannot help missing them, but a true realization of the immortality and continuity of the individual soul, will rob our grief of hopelessness. We shall realize that they are in God’s keeping, and they are safe. We shall know that loving friends have met them, and that their life flows on with the currents of eternity. We shall (eventually) feel that we have not lost them, they have only gone before. So we shall view eternity from the highest standpoint, as a continuity of time, forever and ever expanding, until time as we now experience it, shall be no more. …. Time heals all wound, adjusts conditions, explains facts; and time alone satisfies the expanding soul, reconciling the visible with the invisible. We are born of eternal day, and the Spiritual Sun shall never set upon the glory of the soul, for it is the coming forth of God into self-expression.

–Janie Hooper